Wednesday, March 11, 2009
No matter who we are, No matter what our actions may say, all of us long for recognition in one form or another. I am not just talking about appreciation at work but in personal life/relationships with brothers, sisters, parents, friends, life partners ...all with whom we are associated.
Let me first start with a quote by William Arthur which says
"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you"
Ever wondered why one said "I dont care what others say, I am not bothered and it matters the least to me, I am what I want to be, I say what I want to say", this is the person is the most attention-wanting species, and they care a lot about what others think. He would be the one who would rarely apologize(and would surely negate what I have written here :P)
In relationships of all kinds we should be just the opposite of the above, Whether a guy or a girl, our relationship is affected greatly by many questions, including the question that whether or not we want the other person to think positively about us and appreciate us. While majority of the females are used to hearing “You look so beautiful” from guys, real people who want real relationships can slowly realize whether or not they are being sincerely appreciated by their significant others. The same way you get bored and even annoyed hearing “Wow you are such a good person” from people who never help you when you need help but they say such things when they need your help, why would you accept a relationship where you are rarely appreciated sincerely? , surely any one who would be honest would know the right answer here ...and any one who can understand this would know what can MAKE a relation worth it and totally enjoyable..
A relationship exists between two people to know each other and to sincerely let the other person know that their actions and thoughts are helping the other person, among a few other things. Such appreciation should come naturally and not at times when you are in a situation or when you feel that appreciating the other person will get that person off your back or is going to be an escape. Still, many relationships exist where one person, is rarely appreciated. This happens when there is an assumed mentality or there is a hesitation or simply ego.
The choice and decision is also yours whether or not you wish to be in a relationship where the other person takes for granted what you do for yourself, for the relationships and for the other person. But I strongly believe that any relation where One is not appreciating the other for small things, as small as appreciating for bringing a smile on the face wouldn't be strong and lively for long. The person being taken for granted would surrender to the idea believing that Life is just like this and nothing could change it, after all there isn't enough motivation to sacrifice or compromise for the other.
There is a difference between appreciation and focus. Appreciation usually happens when the other person is reacting to your actions, by letting you know somehow that he is very happy or satisfied and grateful that you are doing something that the other person likes.
Giving focus, on the other hand, is the original action. If someone is appreciating you because you cared for them while they were not keeping well, it is usually because you focused part of your life on that person. You focus on something, and get appreciated in return and if not gradually you stop focusing and resulting into a not enough dedication to the person as now you really don't want to(although you do)care much as it ends up leaving you dissatisfied and hungry.
People, appreciation is not that difficult, its just a matter of time when we would find it easy to appreciate, surely for us who are not used to this would find it a mammoth task to appreciate but its just once or twice and it would become a part of our lives.
I strongly urge to bring in appreciation into your lives to keep any relation Live and Rocking!!!
Happy Appreciating..!!! :) :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It was just another Friday' when we office mates wish to go to a PUB for some good music and booze just adds on to make the stress busting effective...It was 6th Feb 09 . . The Pub we went to was 'the brew bar' at Phoenix mall, the DJ totally ruined our evening and our thirst for some good music only increased, the lousy music was lousy enough to call it quits to the brew bar and we are pretty sure of not going to this pub any more.......
We moved out of the bar and what we see - girls in mini's, or in little clothes, which didn't appeal to me, Have I come off age?? naa... I don't think so. I then realized I am not the hep! modern! Indian Male and am surely the one who appreciates beauty in suites and decent clothes(I am not at all saying I don't like girls in Skirts, but let them be a little decent :) ), well talking about the guys clad in D&G trousers, belts etc, who were running around kissing every girl they met were very much like kids not more than 17 years old and I thought Indian Rules of going to a PUB was 21 years Old and above...but as usual we conveniently by pass laws...
I guess after all the above we decided to go to the station(as we are'nt the guys who have hondas, mercs to travel back home :)) and surely we didn't want to miss the Last Local..
The walk and travel was of some 45 mins, this was good enough time to talk something CONSTRUCTIVE and chintu(name changed) asked bunty, monty, billu and me(vaibhav - cant change my name) .... following were chintu's Questions regarding Arrange marriage...
Would you ask the girl 'are you a virgin' ? ; what if she said NO and if she said said YES , what if she said was a lie which you realize after marriage?
Would you ask her about any relationship she had, what if she did have and what if it was a lie that she said she didn't have...
Majority of the participants very candidly agreed to that despite they might have had a relation or may not be a verile they still would strongly look for a girl with no past ... it sounded very much like typical stereotype Indian males and this was perfectly fine with this and there isnt any thing that stops from accepting this fact...kudos to the confidence males carry ...
Typically for most of us, these questions were a little disturbing as they only scared us more for an arranged marriage, one of us could'nt answer most of the above and surely did say the following..." I would rather not ask these questions and I would just say one thing, if at all the girl has had a past and she is comfortable talking about it, I am ok but i personally wouldnt insist in knowing the past, I am happy without mentioning it and I totally look into present and future; Surely I expect commitment and honesty in a relation I am entering"; Well as expected this answer wasn't taken well by most and there was a laugh loud enough for the guy to rethink whether what ever he was saying was right or wrong or was it making sense ......
Phew!! these were questions I always wondered couldn't have a perfect answer.
another question came up w.r.t. guys being possessive about girls, well this is where we all hit the same chord, we all would surely be possessive for our partners ...after all thats what a relation is for...care and total commitment and the new word thats pretty popular with girls these days - 'SPACE' is creating all the trouble and being a reason for discomfort....
its in guys to be possessive and the above is just not a good sign....
well ...would write more on Girls , Space and Possessiveness in another post..that would come soon....
Monday, March 9, 2009
Well this blog is going to be a sure surprise to girls as they wouldn't expect the guy to understand and trust me, the vice-verse also holds true; Guys have generally been the ones who do not disclose what they think as it takes lot of efforts for men to mellow down and display the soft and docile side and after all BOYS DON'T CRY ..!! :)
Men fall short of words when its most needed and girls are always wanting to listen those unsaid words.....so here goes the 1st want "They WANT to listen to what you think and there is no telepathy that they would understand They want to be told that how much lucky are you to have her and how much you care for her"
There is always a plan that a guy wants to follow but when it comes to the girls dictionary, this ceases to exist and all should be unplanned or simply "Girls like it when its not planned is excites them most, so DONT PLAN"
Girls are self obsessed but they would never agree to this and its better you don't even dare to say this to them and burn your fingers......and "Girls prefer to be called beautiful than being called HOT " ....
Girls cherish small things that you do for her than BIG BIG promises...so live by the day...
Girls are very fragile at heart...and this is what guys generally forget(and surely they know this) when the situation demands that you do not forget at any cost, never give a cold shoulder...this act would leave a long impact which would be difficult to change....
Girls are 2nds when they have to talk ...so guys better don't waste time waiting for them to call you...be the 1st....because 2nd is not an option :)....but be assured girls are always ready to talk so call them ....
Girls have two sides to them selves, the one that they show to the world which is pretty strong and you'd be a fool to believe that girls are not good enough to handle pressures and work environment, because if you are a friend you only see the other side of her which is that of a kid and the side always wanting to be pampered'
so let her be that kid as that would keep the Girl in her alive and dont worry about her social life, she is well equipped to handle it...
Girls are not really receptive to too practical talks about life and that makes them uncomfortable...so let them live in a fantasy of their own and yes, you have to protect them when its needed....
do not intrude when they are in dire need of time with themselves...and if you do poke your nose you are sure to receive a blow(not a physical one but surely its not going to be a good experience ;-) ) so leave them alone then....
will write more when I can think of more :)....after all this isnt an easy subject to write on...
I have always been a deep thinker and untill lately had been expressing what ever I thought....i was wondering last night, Have I changed too much to fit into this society which wants me to be good on the outside; The ruthless society keeps reminding me that 'its none of my business'...
I have not been feeling too good about the new ME as it doesn't fit into my way of being.
People know me as an extrovert....but I fall into another category of extroverts(this categorization is done after I realized that I actually am not an extrovert but...), the category of people who speak too much and express a lot but do not speak up when it hurts them the most, who do not express what they expect, fear expressing their dislikes which might contradict the likes of a friend or a family member....as a sense of insecurity creeps in..the insecurity of loosing the close ones.....
I haven't been the best of listeners as I have surrendered to the way of being non considerate, believe me its just a pretension, the thinking never ends...
I have created a so called shield which possibly appears to be a strong one but the flip side to this shield is that it has pokes on the inside, the more am hit on from the outside and it totally appears that I am safe and sound (or a hard nut to crack), I am pricked harder from within...
Is this all IGNORANCE on my part? as they say ignorance is bliss ... i really doubt ...as am not at any ease now...its the same as it was earlier but yes the sure thing is that I am less vulnerable, I have got rid of the worry to be attacked(is this too strong a word??) by any one.......
Like always there are strings attached with every action....this change(which is just a visual change, as i am the same from within) has left me a little less involved with society, I have been keeping a distance which is not called for and hence...I have a few people in my life who have seen the good part of me and perceive me as a absolutely different person, and there are a few who i wish to show the good part of me but still don't take me the way they should..is this due to my so called double(or hidden) personality, after all I am a hard core Gemini..I wouldn't like to prove the astrologers wrong..Talking about astrology Gemini'ans, the following about us seems to be surely true...
"Others will think that Gemini are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see Gemini as shallow"
The seriousness I carry at times brings in a total conflict with my lightened mood which prevails most of the time which obviously becomes a reason for dislike for many, but as it was said in a movie(now i dont remember which one) "When its about seriousness, I am bloody serious"...
As of now I seem to be very much confused about the 'way of being' that is best for me...for my close ones...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I am upset with you;
I am upset with him….
I am upset because of you….
I am upset because I thought….
I am upset I couldn’t…..
UPSETS …..Is something we all are bounded with, complains are all we have and reasons are all we give. Have we ever actually tried to understand the real cause for these upsets…? Since the fact is that upsets do not see a person maturity in age but in mind…..not the strength of ones body but the strength of ones soul.
To start with think of a recent incident that disturbed you emotionally. Now rate over your experiences of the past few days and try to figure out if there was a distressing episode that perhaps left you unsatisfied and incomplete somewhere inside and concerned about you and your surroundings. Now what you do next is analyze this trouble and nail down the roots of its origin and it’s after effects.
Note... that the upset can be caused by any one of the three reasons mentioned below... Psychologically talking, no other reason is strong enough to trigger an emotional upheaval.
Intention is something that differentiates between a murder and self defense….An intention is something that could change not the facts but circumstances we are dealing with. So here also when we are dealing with an emotional upheaval intention clears up the issue of WHY the thing happened actually. When we are upset in such a scenario we do not have a clear intention in the committing the act or doing the contemporary job that actually resulted in the upset or emotional breakdown and so perhaps back in our minds the intention does not get fulfilled as we desired it to be, we all know half baked cake is as good as no cake at all…..i.e. if the intention is not fulfilled completely we ought to become restless. This might have happened because of lack of commitment towards the cause, or say, a half hearted approach or difficulty in perceiving what the situation actually demanded, or rather not understanding what the situation actually demanded.
2. UNFULFILLED EXPECTATION
Another aspect that might just in Choate turmoil is an unfulfilled expectation. Like intention expectations are also weavers of unrest and disturbed mind in a human life. We expect from people in our surroundings to actually fulfill our requirements, keeping in mind the informality level amongst each other, in other words we want people to reciprocate the favors done by us. Reciprocations are a way of life when one talks of mutual sharing and understanding and if an act of help and assistance is not appreciated or responded to it produces emotional turmoil. This lack of response leads to a sense of disappointment which generates a sense of displeasure and ultimately, one gets entangled in the vicious circle of unhappiness and sorrow. This leads to a spiral effect and we keep spinning in it which can be overcome only by the will to let go things on and think new and afresh and to add on inculcate a feeling of giving and forgetting, because if you do not forget a favor done on others you are again tending to expect.” so forgive and forget”.
3. COMMUNICATION GAPYet another reason for emotional upheaval is the enough mentioned and talked about “communication gap”. At times people overlap the concept of forgiving and forgetting with speaking less. The failure to communicate properly what one feels is one of the chief reasons for misery and despondence. The fate of a relation lies on the communicating prowess of the people and hence, if a person is none the wiser about his/her counterpart’s feelings then it becomes awfully difficult to maintain a feeling of semblance which again creates friction and dissatisfaction because if there has been a thing that did hurt you and you are trying to forget it n forgive the person just for a simple reason that you read it somewhere and down in your heart you keep cribbing over it….its of no use to you or for that matter anybody, its your peace of mind that is being disturbed. Again this feeling of antipathy and numbness takes over which exacerbates depression and loneliness.
So if we closely scrutinize the troubles and problems we are having and try to find a driving nemesis behind it we will realize that each upset stems from one of the three above-mentioned causes.
So what we found is that to overcome an UPSET we need to stop blaming others and try to rectify our thought processes based on the above three reasons i.e.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Am trying to imply that Friendship can not be forced or faked.
being friends "without ny special effort", was the mark of True Friendship....
In some ways, in order to find True Friends, is it beneficial to regres to a child-like state ? To turn off our adult filters and forced acceptors ?
Then, will we just know who are True Friends are....
just leave your self free, You would find sweetness in the relation, you would love 'BEING FRIENDS'
yes I do have friends who i love being with, with whome I dont need to put efforts to keep the friendship alive, Its sooo free, so clean and sooo transparent..,Its absolute trust!!
There is soo much of forgiveness and there is immense trust, there is unasked support during times of trouble ..!! its always alive!!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Relationships & Expression
I love my dad , I feel sorry for what ever I did , I didn’t want my friend to take me in such a way , I meant something else, I wanted to tell him something , I lost a chance to tell him that I loved him , I wanted to hug my mom every morning , I wanted to take care of my little brother , but………!!
This is what we live in a big and never ending ‘BUT’ .
Why have we made it a habit to regret, why not put things straight and let off this BUT from our lives. Same is in case of relationships that matter so much to most of us,I would be really surprised to know that some one feels that relations don’t matter. Most of our tensions , our worries or putting it in an optimistic tone , most of our concerns are relations , let them be with parents , with friends which we choose very carefully, with love partner or any one with whom we share some level of care. We fail to understand the reasons for strained relations.
I shall not be discussing all reasons leading to not so good relations how ever I shall have a single most important point discussion which can cause a major break through in your life and your relations.
It is very important for you to take yourself through the text, need your presence in it to understand the underlying discussion.
I will tell you a small instance from which I will try to explain what I am trying to say.
There were two sisters ,one was very beautiful and the other wasn’t so beautiful.One day they had a few guests visit their house and one of them happened to say that the elder daughter is more beautiful than the younger one. The younger sister having heard this had a churn in mind , a burst in her heart , and this was the end of the sweet relation these sisters had. The younger sister decided that she was going to be better than her elder sister in everything possible and had made it a point to always dominate. On the contrary the elder sister could never understand the reasons for such change in attitude , how ever she always tried to do good for her and tried to give that protective shield she thought was her duty to give being the elder sister.
Years passed on like this , today the elder sister is in
The elder sister recently met with an accident. The younger sister wanted to say sorry ,that’s it , she couldn’t . The elder sister was no more alive. She was left incomplete with her sister and now she would never be able to complete, the pain of which still haunts her.
My point of discussion is not concentrated towards the sister reacting to be-little her sister all the time , but the point here is the incomplete relation and non expression.
It is very important for all of us to complete with our loved ones , It is very important we express , It is very important to say ‘I love you’ , It is essential to understand the power of confession. As it is very rightly said ‘ Words not said , are words not heard’. We should try and understand the practical side , it is just not possible for two people to know how they feel about each other until and unless they say it out or actions are in accordance.
If you love your dad , say so , if you care for him , a small gesture such as saying that ‘I care for you’ is not going to take anything of you , its going to add a big smile on his face and make his day. Its going to give you the strength to talk to him freely and remove the so called non existent gap you have developed over the years, mind it I am saying a non existent gap because it is a fictitious gap which is self made. All that has been created out of perceptions and non expression of thought and thus leading to non clarification at every stage , which ultimately leads to accumulation of not so good perceptions about your dad and his concern for you starts appearing to be a pretence.
In nut shell I would request all to lead a life of expression , thus lead an empowered life where your relations are strongly held by the power of trust which again can only be achieved through expression.
Happy ‘expression full’ Life..!
Silent Devil – Expectations…!!!
The absolute reason for extended tensions…The reason for strained relation between couples, friends brothers … any one who shares more than just a relation with any one else is enslaved to this master called Expectation, I call it the master because it ends up ruling most of us.
I am motivated to write on this because my experience over the 2 years at my B-School has taught me how not to be a slave to the self-proclaimed master. Though not always but yes most of the times am able to be a master of my thoughts …
Recently had a discussion with a friend on this and surprisingly during my discussion I was able to give reasons and ways not to allow the devil(‘expectations’) rule us.. . . which I had never thought of before…though I was unknowingly practicing it for quite a while now.
We should realize that every individual has a different threshold... a different level of understanding the other person … One may be able to read the other when he or she is upset but at the same time the other might not be able to realize the same… this is where one needs a little more maturity and a balanced expectation, now I do not say holding expectations isn’t right but letting them be on you is the test… Expect realistically, and the time you understand how to handle it …you suddenly find relations being amazingly beautiful… because there is no point pulling some one to a level of your expectations which might be uncomfortable resulting in tension at both the ends..
So be realistic, do not stretch any one to a zone where it becomes daunting for both( here I am referring to 1-1 relations say Brother-brother, friend-friend, etc….)
Coming up next on another way to ease expectations… EXPRESSIONS…!!
All the best..!!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Why do we need to let 'PEOPLE' define our steps...?
why do we need to be good to some one because people have accepted the the person..and why do we need to be rude t some one because people have discarded the person...why do we need to buy something because people like it..!
Take a break...Release us
All of us spend most of our time trying to 'look good' ..in literal terms as well..
Pretense has been the way for many and surprisingly these are the people who actually win a lot in life ..hold on..am not submitting to this way of being...because this way of being's victory is hollow...its all temporary glory....
The very reason for pretense is non acceptability by society....But the sad part is pretense actually sends you away from reality, you are then just left to be used by society...used i would say because when under the pretense phase you are ready to do anything to please people around you..you loose your self respect, you are 'just among the people around' .....
Your life turns into one of 'use and throw' ..
Because you are chained into the artificial way of being..!
you are avoided when not needed..
you are discarded when you are useless..
Yes...you do get a little popular...but thats just for the time when we need some one to joke around about...
My discussion was not just about pretense..
i was talking about 'People' effecting your decisions...
would continue later...